That feeling I get when I see a word or a name. It's a sickening feeling like I'm gonna vomit. It's an angry feeling like I'm gonna scream, or worse kill. It's a depressing feeling like I'm gonna cry and never stop until I'm drowning, suffocating in my own tears and anguish. When I see a certain word or a certain name. Words, names that remind me of my adolescence, they give off an omnipresence that I'd wish to ignore. Ignore but can't. Why do they do this to me you ask? Because my apparent lack of empathy means I'm unfeeling. I have no feelings of my own. Why do I claim that I do have feelings then? Oh I don't know maybe because that's what my heart is for, that's what my soul is for! I have a heart, I have a soul! Yet these creatures who claim to have feelings too, they try to hate me, try to wreck me, try to bring me down. Down when I stuggle on my own to stay up, I don't need their help staying down. Yet they keep going, keep trying, keep shoving me aside, holding my head under water. They don't care, I'm just words on a computer screen! They don't see me, the person that they torment. They wonder why? Why, when I finally stick up for myself, do I get so angry? Because I'm sick of your bs! I'm sick of your "I'm the one whose a mess"! No one person's pain is more important. Everyone goes through shit! Yet you act like I'm the one with no heart! Yet you act like I'm the only one in the wrong! It takes two to tango, two to start a fight. It takes one to finish, one to quit the dance. Yet you're so insistent that I keep at it, how can I say no? You invigorate the hatred in me, I want hate! It's easier to keep away, away from more of the creatures that claim to care. Creatures that will ensnare and trap me never letting go until I suffocate, and burn from their betrayal. I know I'm a monster I admit it! I can be the worst of the worst. Yet all you creatures claim you've never done a bad thing in your life? How is that so? When you've hurt me, my family, my everything? How can you even have the guts, the balls, the vertebrae to say that? I don't get you? Now as I speak the words that for so long went unspoken. You've left a poison in my mind, in my gut, in my heart. Certain words, certain names will forever cause me grief, pain, hate. They cause me sickness, anger, sorrow. Because whatever tomorrow brings they make me think of you, all of you that have hurt me. Because I have no feelings, no heart, no soul. But you do.
The above poem/journal entry/words on the/your screen are
(C)(TM)(R) me, myself and I, LiLithe Todd, SylverFire-LiLithe, SylverFire, L A Rainey, L A Rainey/Todd, L A Todd, etc names and aliases that are the woman you are speaking/typing/chatting to/with.
( woke up feeling shitty. Was going to write a journal. Ended up writing an angsty spoken word style poem about my feelings and thoughts instead.)